Monday, April 11, 2005
| Church today was really good. James Bryan Smith, a friend of PJ's, came and spoke to us about heaven. It was a very uplifting message. It also got me thinking about death, and the passing on of loved ones. Which made me start thinking about love. Which made me start thinking about emotions in general, which is what I'm going to ramble at you about starting... now. Let's go. Depending on how well you know me (some better than others, obviously) many of you realize that I'm not a hugely emotional guy. I don't get too attached to things or even people sometimes. I cry very rarely. Many people have called me easygoing or laid back. Very rarely do I get upset. And even more rarely do I get to a point where my world is seriously rocked. And because of this, I guess I'm a pretty stable person. Some girls I've talked with over the years envy this.... They also envy the impact (or lack thereof) I make when I step on the bathroom scale, but that's neither here nor there. Let's stay on topic. It's a well-known fact that guys generally live their lives in one of two moods: "ok" or "mad." I tend to stay in the "ok" world. But when I look around me, I become convinced there's more to life than just being "ok." There's happiness and satisfaction when someone gets a good grade on a paper or test. There is refreshment and gratitude for a good night's rest. There is both pain and love when a little girls falls and scrapes her knee and her mother comes running to cheer her up and tend to her wound. At funerals people weep openly for someone they love, grieving that they are gone but rejoicing that they are in a better place. A boy and a girl walk down the sidewalk holding hands, goofy smiles plastered on their faces. They're living in the acceptance, joy, and love that they bring to the other. So we live in a world that is awash with brilliant hues of emotion. I've seen even the simplest things evoke an emotional response from other people. I have these things too, but they don't make me feel any particular emotion; they just make me feel "funny." I always feel "funny" when I see a folded paper boat b/c that was a running gag between me and my freshman-year-of-high-school sweetheart. Silver Dollar City makes me feel "funny" b/c of Arnie and Sheree (my youth pastors) and all the old friends I remember when we'd take those trips. And there are more examples. I can't identify the particular emotion that goes along with these things; they just make me feel "funny." Or "weird," if you will. I say "funny" and "weird" b/c I don't experience these feelings on a regular basis. Here's another example: we've all seen those little red "I Am Loved" pins. Well, I know that I am loved. People tell me that every day. They tell me through words, actions, etc. Even if these people don't go to extreme lengths to demonstrate this, I know that I'd be missed if I gave up the ghost tomorrow. So I know that I'm loved. However... I don't feel it. And there's a difference. Is the only thing that differentiates an acquaintance from a friend the amount of time you've known each other? Doubt it. There's a connection that grows over time, and that's what makes the difference. But I can't put my finger on it. I'm missing the intangible. The thing that makes you thrilled to see certain people, the thing that makes you grieve when they pass on. What is it? I've come to this conclusion. In our world of emotions that are as varied as the colors of the rainbow, I live in a different world. The world of "ok." The color here is a drab, dull gray. It's boring. I don't like it. I think I'll leave. I've got a life to live, and it's too short to be seen in shades of gray. Can anyone understand what I'm saying? Father, please help me to feel... |
So whispered my soul almost three years ago. Since then, I have tried to become more self-aware; to take time to feel, to live in how I am, and not stifle the cries of my heart that I cannot understand. I used to see myself as Data or Spock from Star Trek; void of emotion, or at the least, capable of shutting down my feelings in an instant. Such is the life of a guy. When my grandfather passed away, I was the only one not crying at the viewing. My phone rang; a colleague was calling. And while my family shed tears and mourned the death of a patriarch of the family, I cooly stepped outside to discuss "business." I regret that day.
I regret many days.
Things have slowly changed since then; I've been through challenging situations and unique relationships, and now a different Seth sits here typing these words than the one who pleadingly pecked those keys many moons ago.
I can feel, at least to some degree... I become happy over little things. I have great hope for the future. I feel joy, uncertainty, confidence, and fear where I am right now. I have more questions than answers. My relationship with Christ has become less definable and more magical. I have dreams. I have fears. I live in a world that feels glowing with feeling and colors of the rainbow.
There are dark colors too, and one must accept those; for one cannot take the bright colors and exclude the dark. If one loses sadness, they lose the meaning of joy; and both the bright and the dark must be exchanged for a world of gray. I've lived there. It's not worth living there.
Unfortunately, trading in the gray for the colors also meant trading in my answers for questions. Instead of stability, now I must live with uncertainty and adventure. But now as I look at it...
This is the kind of life I was meant to live; a live forced to rely on faith and trust. A life that can feel. 21-year-old Seth looks forward to this time and thanks God; 24-year-old Seth looks back and thanks God.
For I sit here, with a lump in my throat and tears welling in my eyes for reasons I don't even know. I just know I got my wish.
And I am grateful.
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